|Saying "cheese" at church on|
Easter Sunday. He's learned
if he just says cheese, Mom
puts the camera away, haha.
I read a lot of these posts: Even If I could take away the autism away I wouldn't, it is what makes my kid the way they are/learned so much more/they are pros at ___. Well I am not there.
Nolan is young he's still 2. He is almost 3, but he is still 2. He doesn't have anything he particularly loves or is fascinated with so we cant take that and support it and run with it. He doesn't communicate with us much so we we have no idea what he feels, remembers, or even likes. I am sure talents, interests, and more will emerge in time, but right now its hard. I feel like I am watching his peers pass him. I feel like those kids younger than him are catching up to him. I feel like we are just stagnant waiting for him to show us what to do next.
Right now, I still want the autism to go away. I want my baby boy to express who he is, what he wants, what he likes, all that is him with out the struggles in the way. I just want to be with my boy. I want to find what he is best at and promote it, help it, support it. I want him to find true happiness and continue to seek it and work with it. One day, he will be the best at SOMETHING. I just want him to be the best at something. His something-his anything. I want the challenges to making my boy a superstar to go away. Why does it have to be so hard to find what my child loves and makes him happy.
He is going to be things. He is going to love things. He is going to excel at things. He will have those things he is best at. Today we are stuck at the autism. Until we can get through these hurdles (with therapy which we are doing and growth we are seeing) I see his autism. I see him held back. I see him challenged. I hurt. I want more than anything to make his life happy and him successful. You can bet as soon as I find anything he likes I run with it. One day his autism will help enhance all that he is, will make his life more colorful, will make all that he is more special. Right now all that I feel is hidden in a colorful fog.
In my head I picture those color runs. You know where they run through the clouds of chalk dust (imagine seeing all the colors and possibilities but having trouble seeing the path/where you are going, but when you finish the race and make it though you are covered in all these colors, they make the run all the more exciting and you have a sense of accomplishment--you earned each of those colors. That is how I picture Nolan, his journey with autism. We will get to the end of the race with all our colors and each one earned....but right now I am stuck in the fog. Right now I am really struggling with helping him.
I am writing this because I want other parents who are struggling to feel ok for struggling. Because every blog I read is after the run I want to know it is ok to feel cloudy. I just hate feeling so foreign with my feelings (again here is my personal social anxiety of feeling like an outlier). I want it to be ok to be angry with this. I want it to be ok that I cry every day that I just want to help my baby shine and be happy and I have no clue what he likes. I want to feel like I am still his advocate, his mama bear, and I am still fighting like hell for autism awareness and acceptance while still being sad right now. I want to know I can be both. I am trying to get to those quotes. We, as a family, will get to those quotes...but we aren't there yet.