Saturday, May 9, 2015
My whole life I have always wanted or have been working for the next step. I wanted to join clubs and do extra curriculars in high school to get into a good college. I did the same in college to get a job. When Alex and I were dating, I wanted to be engaged, when we were engaged I wanted to be married sooner. When we were married I wanted our house, our dog(s), and to start a family.
I felt this overwhelming mental checklist in my life. At times I'd have full-on panick attacks just wanting and needing that next step. What's next? What can I do to get what I want?
Then, God made me wait. Alex and I tried for quite some time to make our family of two to a family of three. I'd cry every month, mad at the world for making me wait. I did what I was supposed to; I did everything in the right order. All I wanted was to be a mom!
Then finally, God felt I had learned a valuable lesson in patience and persistence. We were blessed with our beautiful pregnancy.
I celebrated my first Mother's Day while pregnant. Some said happy Mother's Day and celebrated, while some told me I'm not a mom yet. I was on my way to being a mom and I was on cloud 9.
August 21, 2014 at 5:27pm I became "a real mom" For the first time in my life I was 100% happy with right here, right now. I got to be what I have ALWAYS wanted to be, a mom. My life is complete, it is full. I am at peace for the first time that I can recall.
The strange thing about having a child is that one of the first things someone will ask you as you lovingly cradle you newborn is, "when are you going to have another one?" For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan, I don't have a panic reach for the future. I don't know. I don't care. If I died today, though it would be sad beyond measure to not see my baby grow, I got my one goal, my one passion, my one true calling. I am a mom. I have everything. I have EVERYTHING.
Yes, I'd like more children, and yes, I'd like them relatively close together, but for the first time I don't need a plan. For the first time I genuinely feel I can leave it in the hands of God. That if I plan and freak as I have in the past I am no closer to what I wanted nor am I at peace.
I am a mom. I just can't stop saying it. I am so happy here it's hard to imagine wanting anything else. I am a mom. I have it all. I am a mom.
I look forward to the future, but I am THOROUGHLY enjoying this beautiful, bumpy, fun, freaky, amazing, stressful, powerful, enlightening ride. I am a mom.
I am a mom!
Happy Mother's Day!!