Now that we have announced our pregnancy, it is easier to talk about our road to getting here. It was not easy, but I know we have been blessed with the most amazing of blessings. I want to share my story to TRY to help someone that has been through what we have or worse. I want someone out there to know they are not alone.
Many couples have trouble with fertility and for those couples it can end a variety of ways. They can try and try and finally get pregnant, try and try and finally get the medical help they need to get there, and there are the couples who try and try and get help and try and try and still are unable to have children.
When we were at the point in our lives in which we were ready to have a baby and wanted our family to grow, we prayed were were able. Then, when it didn't happen the first month, we thought, well it doesn't always happen the first time lets try again. After a few months of seeing that negative test or getting your period when it is the last thing you could want, we got frustrated. But, we did not lose hope, we got motivated.
I began trying to eat healthier, and tracking my cycle. A few more months of that and a few more months of negative tests, and I became sad.
While all this is going on, my friends are having babies, watching their babies grow, getting pregnant and watching their bellies grow. I love my friends and I am beyond happy for them. I wouldn't call what I was feeling jealousy, though that is probably what it was. I never was angry they had what I wanted, I was angry I couldn't be going through this WITH them. I wanted to share the memories, changes, questions, and experiences. I felt myself withdraw. I felt I was alone in the world. It wasn't that they wouldn't understand what I was going through, it was that they couldn't. I cried. I cried a lot. I cried a lot, layed in bed a lot and became a desperate, sad person.
Our journey continues as I become more desperate, more sad and have more negative tests. I am doing more research, timing things even more, taking my temp, charting, and more. I had to be able to do this! The doctor wont see me for a year for infertility so I have to do this on my own.What else could I do? I read a tilted uterus could be the cause-go to the chiropractor to loosen the lower back. Check. I read musinex can help with getting pregnant if taken when ovulating. Check. Then my chiropractor suggested fish oil, iron and other red blood cell production vitamins, calcium, and vitamin D. Check. Ok, lets get this show on the road! At this point it has been 9 months.
I felt I could do these things for 3 more months, though if they didn't work I was not going to get out of the hole I felt I was in. My chiropractor and a co-worker suggested that 9 months was close enough to a year and suggested I consult with my doctor to at least get the ball rolling on some tests to deal with fertility. So that is what I did. I made an appointment with my regular doctor. She was supportive, totally sympathized, and agreed it was close enough to a year to let me at least start testing. She was able to do one test, but then suggested I see an OB as they are much better at timing tests and giving the correct ones. I got a referral. 2 weeks later I was in my OB office for a consult. He also agreed 9 months was ok to start some tests. He ran a panel of blood tests and I was scheduled to call when I got my next period to go in for a tubal dye test. I was nervous but happy to feel like I had some control again and we were on the path to answers.
Fast forward 2 weeks, I am supposed to get my period to call in for that test and low and behold, the period never comes. We were finally pregnant. Thank GOD!
A friend of my mom's contacted her days after she found out we were pregnant and asked what I did, since she knew somewhat of the journey and had been on a longer, more tear filled, more expensive one than I had and wanted to know what I did. Looking back, I did so many things that last month before we found out we were expecting I don;t know what it was. I don;t know if it was the timing we had gotten down to a T, the myriad of vitamins I went on, the Musinex, the chiropractor, the relief that something was being done and we were moving in a direction of answers, or a combination of some or all of the things. I shared my journey and told her to try some, all, anything.
All I remember is feeling like I don't know who to talk to. I don't know who will understand what I am going through. I was sick of people saying, "It will happen" "In its own time" "Just have faith." I had all those things and believed all those things, I just needed to feel like someone understood my desire, my need, and my want for a child. I wanted people to tell me it was ok to feel this way, it was ok to be mad, sad, and angry. Then, I found her. A co-worker, an amazing friend. She had been where I was and further. She got it and she got me. She was with me 100% She answered questions, she sympathized, she was angry at the world with me, sad with me, and checked in on me each month. She was what I needed. Maybe it was that, on top of everything else that led me to feel that though I am feeling that way doesn't take my faith away that it will happen, it doesn't mean it wont happen, and it doesn't mean I am not normal.
This is why I wanted to write this post. I want someone out there who will read this to peek over that deep, dark place and see they are not alone. Sure, they are still in a hole and life is still hard, but you are not in that hole alone. There are others, there are people who go through it. Unfortunately, the journey of sadness is much less public than the people posting their joys, their success stories, their happiness. There is hope, there are others, and there are people you can talk to--and amazingly, that may be all you need.
For those who are pregnant, have children, or have never been on the journey of that friend-try to see them, try to feel for them, try to be there for them. No you don't need to hide your child, your pregnancy or your joy. You just need to understand their sorrow, their sadness, and why they may be where they are. Just try. Your trying to be there for them and allowing them to feel, vent, or be where they are will take the alienation away. Trying to hide it is half of the sadness. Just don't let them fall to deep in that hole.
As I stated in the beginning, there are many ways the journey to parenthood (or lack there of) can go. I know I am TRULY blessed for how my journey has come. I know that as dark as I felt, there are others who are going to go darker, deeper, and have less exciting results than I did. I know those will read this and feel just as I did when someone got pregnant. I am sorry. You have every right to feel your sad, your angry. I wish you the world of happiness and some way of finding the love of a child one day-whether it is from an eventual natural pregnant, medical assistance in getting pregnant, or adoption. Please, still feel you can talk to someone. Find your SOMEONE.
